When is Enough Enough When it Comes to Our Children - Birthdays and Holidays

Let's face it; our kids have it good - You can find pretty much everything you want in the world of children these days, fulfilling any dream they, or you, have ever had. Assuming you have the money, you can buy scaled-down versions of your clothes, brightly coloured techno-gadgets and even child sized, off-road cars and BMX bikes. There are those who don't have the cash, but don't hold back when it comes to their children. They max out the credit cards and don't worry about it until the New Year. However, when jobs are uncertain, the only practical thing to do is to make changes in how we spend. Out go the social lunches, the take-away cappuccinos and the personal trainer. It would be sensible to extend these cutbacks to our children and teach them a little about fiscal responsibility, but it's not as easily done as said. How people feel about themselves is often tied in with how well they think they are doing at parenting. Too often, and wrongly, that means what they are able to provide materially for their children.

Recession, what recession? - Surprisingly, considering all the doom and gloom we hear, there seem to be many families, with only one working parent and two cars in the driveway, who still manage annual passes to Legoland, two holidays a year planned around what "makes the children happy" and the requisite birthday bash with entertainer and designer cake. That's not me particularly, but I overspend in other ways. I'm sure you can relate. How many times have we headed to the shops to bargain-shop for something we actually need and come back home laden down with bags of cute clothing, the kid's magazines with the crap toy taped to the front cover, or an extra pair of Ugg boots for when their completely impractical white pair gets dirty. The reason given is usually something like "I knew she would love it. I couldn't leave it there." Listen to mothers talking in the school playground and it's clear that people tend to project their own desires onto their children. I'm probably just as guilty of that as anyone else. When we can't justify buying something for ourselves, we fulfil that acquisitive temptation by buying for them instead of ourselves.

The Social Minefield of Birthday Parties - It's with a mildly sicky-stomach feeling when I find envelopes in my children's school bags, out of which pop an average of two birthday invitations a week. I have a new modus operandi; encouraging my children to go only to the parties of friends with whom they actually play, and hoping that not everyone on our own invitation list will actually accept. I have tested the waters a few times with a firm but friendly "I'm sorry, she can't make it that day, but thanks for asking." Putting it into practice is another thing entirely, as I discovered one day while watching my 5-year old son's face as his classmates excitedly leave school for the party which we declined. He is really too young to understand my economy-led pragmatism and take it on himself without regret. While discussing the birthday situation at dinner one evening, we practically fell off our chairs laughing when he announced "You know, Mum, I always like a good party." No matter how careful I have to be, it's good to be reminded that it's not all about the money. For a child, it's about feeling included, getting carried away in the euphoria of celebration and eating cake before dinner. Actually, we adults could use a little of that kind of fun too.

Gifts Galore - Let's do some figures. If you have two children in primary school, in classes of 25 - 30 children, plus a handful of close friends from birth, it makes for a huge haul of birthday gifts entering your house and a considerable amount of money leaving your wallet. I don't want to sound either miserly or ungrateful, but I no longer shop for unique gifts for each of my children's friends unless they are "best." In an effort to cope, we have capped the amount we can spend, while still trying to find something current and of quality. Books, footballs, superhero t-shirts and art materials are a parent's dream and don't languish at the back of the cupboard.

For our own children, strict measures have also been put in place. After watching a friend's child casually toss aside each birthday gift received to see what was in the next package, we returned home and took a good look at what our own children have and don't use. The economical and ecological sides of me are particularly offended by plastic and battery operated waste. Since then, we have all survived no-toy two birthdays in favour of French and tennis lessons, a tree house and a trip to Paris. I wonder whether I am so hell-bent that my kids won't be spoiled by excess, that I actually lean too far into Scrooge-dom. Kids are so savvy these days, picking up on every trend. I understand that Hollister is the new must-have clothing brand and rainbow-hued IPods are ubiquitous. But I was completely unprepared to hear that young children are asking for, and receiving, Blackberries and IPhones for their birthdays.

Pass the Parcel - Have you heard the de-cluttering expert's advice that if you have anything in your closet that you haven't worn in one year, you should get rid of it? On TV, they put the unwanted clothing in a black bin bag and that goes straight down to the charity shop. Use the same principle with the kids. If children receive gifts they do not like, consider giving them to someone else who can get joy out of owning them. Last year my son received three identical Ben10 Omnitrixes because he had an alien-themed party. I suppose I could have tried to exchange two of them at ToysRUs or put them on eBay, but in truth, I find that a time-guzzling nightmare. Just pass the parcel. It's what every sane, budget conscious parent should do. Tell me that you have never recycled a gift to someone else; you'll win my raised eyebrow.

Searching around in the dark for solutions, we sometimes hit on a winner of an idea. We introduced ourselves to the pastor of a local church and joined him and some of his congregation on Christmas Eve wrap up boxes of food and presents from Santa for distribution to low income families. We brought the children so that they could understand how and why our own contribution would help others. I'm pleased to say that the older one "got it" and there were a lot of relevant questions; for a few weeks anyway. However, now when I have to talk to her about sharing, she reminds me of the time she played Secret Santa with her extra toys and games. I can't argue with that.

Note to Self: Don't expect adult reasoning from children. This reminds me of a birthday invitation my daughter received from the manager of our hotel while we were in Bermuda for an extended period of time. Her six year old asked that she receive donations to a hospital children's ward in lieu of presents. Wow! She was sensitive to the concept of charity, no doubt, because she is in a wheelchair herself. It didn't make much impression on our then 3 ½ year old, but I wonder if we could persuade her to do the same for her birthday next month. I could probably get away with it if I applied enough pressure, as she is a sensitive and caring child, but the gesture would really be a product of my adult value system, not hers. My nearly "double-digits" daughter is still innocently starry-eyed about the mystery of what she will receive from her best friends this year. I have no business messing with that.

Hurry Up and Wait - It's never too early for children to be introduced to the concept of giving, but my experience has been that they have a completely different idea than adults about what constitutes "enough" possessions. They aren't bothered by shelves and cupboards that bulge with puzzles, action figures, trinkets, stuffed animals, pictures, Lego pieces and thousands of felt-tip markers. It's the parents who have the agenda to 1) de-clutter, 2) guide their children to develop an understanding of value, and 3) make appropriate decisions. Either that or the parents make the decisions themselves, which influence their children's actions by example.

I am also reminded that birthdays and holidays are magical to children; days when they can be the centre of attention and have wishes come true. For me, and perhaps others, it's like a hurry up and wait scenario. I am keen to teach my children about overabundance, selflessness, budgets and sensibility, but perhaps in too much of a hurry. There are only so many years left that I will see the delight on their cake-smeared faces as they open presents and feel spoiled, for one or two days a year. I believe that they will learn when they are ready. I have to resist making everything into a learning experience and just let it be what it is.

Including Children in Financial Decision-Making is one way to teach them "value for money" principles without hitting them over the head with it. Put your heads together to decide on the size and venue of their birthday parties. Little by little, let children decide how much birthday money to put into a purchase and let them go up to the till with cash so they can see it disappear before their very eyes. Every opportunity they get to act independently feeds their confidence and empowers them to do it again. Celebrate their transaction with praise for their choices. Note their pride and happiness. At about eight years old, they can be given a reasonable budget for treats like magazines, trading cards and snacks. Within the year, they should be able to make decisions about buying birthday gifts for family and friends. They will quickly learn how to make their budget go further, by going for unbranded items or waiting to buy items on sale, just like we do.